Coll Writes

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642 Things to Write About Challenge: Week 26

Written By: Colleen - Jun• 28•13

I think Week 26 means we’re halfway through the year, right?  Crazy.  I wasn’t sure what topic I wanted to do this week, but while flipping through the “642 Things to Write About” book, I came across the perfect topic for this week:

The apology a recently disgraced public figure should have offered up, in place of the one penned by his or her public relations handlers.

I think we all know that I’m going to Paula Deen route with this one.  After the disastrous first two apology videos, you’d think she’d have hired a better publicist to redeem herself during her Today show appearance. Goodness me, she should’ve hired someone better to write a script for her to read.  Here’s some priceless quotes:

  • “I is what I is, and I’m not changing.”
  • “I go into my kitchens and hear what these young people are calling each other … it’s very distressing for me. I think for this problem to be worked on, these young people are gonna have to take control and start showing respect for each other.”
  • “If there’s anyone out there that has never said something that they wished they could take back. If you’re out there, please pick up that stone and throw it so hard at my head that it kills me.”
  • “Most jokes are about Jewish people, rednecks, black folks…I didn’t make up the joke, I don’t know…They usually target, though, a group.  Gays or straights, black, rednecks…I can’t myself determine what offends another person.”

The last quote is my favorite.  Who goes on national television with their entire career at stake and says, “I can’t myself determine what offends another person” as a justification for using the N-word?!  WHO DOES THAT?!  Every single apology has been less of an apology and more of a “I’m not racist! I was just talking about a [N-word] who held me up at gun point…”

Yes, because that makes it better.  Sometimes it may just be better to perjure yourself.

Here’s what Paula should’ve said.  I’m going to pen it for her right now:

“While I was under oath, I testified that I have, in fact, used the N-word before.  I used it during a private conversation with my husband while retelling a very scary thing that happened to me.  I was wrong to use such a horrible word and am deeply sorry for using it.  I am deeply sorry to all those who I have hurt or offended by using this terrible word.  I showed poor judgment and made a horrible mistake and am humbly asking for your forgiveness.  I believe in racial equality and will be making all efforts to support racial justice, beginning by donating to [insert charity of choice].”

That’s just a rough draft that I wrote in about four minutes because I’m peacing out of work in five minutes, but even that crappy attempt at an apology was way better than “I can’t myself determine what offends another person.”  I think the big difference is my version of Paula’s apology actually uses the words “I’m sorry.”  I could be wrong, though.  After all, I can’t myself determine what offends another person.

I’m totally going to start randomly using that quote from here on out…

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  1. Michael says:

    Donald Trump: I am sorry for ever wasting the precious oxygen on this Earth. I’m sorry for all the small contractors I put out of business with greed and lies when I declared bankruptcy to get out of paying my bills for the Taj Majal. I’m sorry for building the tackiest shit palaces. I’m just sorry you all ever had to see my miserable green wig.

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