Coll Writes

You know how I do.

Ep. 10: Queen B.

Written By: Colleen

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Finally, we to hear things from the Queen B herself, Lucille, or “Lu” as she’s known within her prison gang, the Jade Dragon Triad on the show, The Real Asian Prison Housewives of the Orange County White Collar Prison System.  “Their bark is bigger than those dogs they eat back home,” Lu explains.  Ah, mama is just as punny as ever.

We find out the reason why Lucille inexplicably turned the Queen Mary back that day: She wanted to make sure Lucille 2 knew just how she felt about her.  While under house arrest, Buster gets on Lucille’s nerves, despite the breakfast of vodka and a piece of toast he serves her in bed.  They exchange insults (Lucille: “You’re not the one staring 5 years in the face!”  Buster: “I’m the one staring 100 years in the face!”) before Buster threatens himself, hahahaha.  God, I love every exchange between Lucille and Buster.

Cut to Lucille’s trial, which we already know that no one shows up to except Lucille 2.  Up on the stand, the two Lucilles go toe-to-toe with their 30-year-long passive aggressive dance.  It’s a fantastic exchange filled with just as many fun insults as ever.  After being found guilty, Lucille checks into a luxury correctional facilities (they became popular after the Enron debacle) and is visited by George Sr., who explains that he missed the trial because he was passed out in the sweat lodge.  He tells her that the judge will lower her sentence if she agrees to spend time in Lucille 2’s rehab facility, but she’s not going to fake an alcohol problem just to have L2 laugh at her.  He then tells her that China Rose’s aunt has the hook up with the Jade Dragon Triad for protection. (“That’s a gang?  I thought they were tech support.”)  Lucille picks door #2.  Not only does Lucille ingratiate herself with the gang, she convinces her new Chinese friends to help the Bluths finance the wall.

Things go south quickly thanks to the government holding up the wall project.  Now we know why Lucille still wants George Sr. to build enough of the wall to show people it’s being build and why George Sr. made the video with Buster as proof.  This plan fails, of course, so to get away from the Triad, Lucille “puts on the old drunk act” and gets herself transferred to Austerity.  The only thing left standing between Lucille and her freedom is Tobias who, as her therapist, has to sign off on her recovery.  “You look very heterosexual in that suit,” Mama B. says in an attempt to butter him up.  Tobias, however, does have some sort of professional integrity and refuses to do so until she’s completed all of her sessions.  They spend several sessions just staring at each other.  Lucille finally has a breakthrough when she believes Tobias thinks she’s a villain.  She’s about to confess that she is going to cry for the first time since she was a little girl and hid after she found the remains of her ostr– (another ostrich reference!) when Tobias interrupts her to say he’s looking for someone to play the part of the villain Lucia in his musical, which will be debuted on a boat at Cinco.  On a boat?  Lucille is in.

After a priceless audition using a song with words “written from the heart,” Lucille gets the part.  Puzzle piece into place: That’s why Lucille is dressed as a villain at Cinco.  Back in her room, she takes a call from Oscar who’s trying to reach Lucille 2, but at Austerity, Lucille is the one known as Lucille 2.  He quickly covers it up by pretending to be George Sr.  Lucille tells “George” that Gene Parmesan is the one who took the photos of Love and Lindsay and she’s giving them to his wife.  Micheal shows up and the two dance around signing paperwork for the other – Lucille signing the release and Michael signing away the rest of his shares to the company.  Michael tells Lucille that Lindsay’s now a redhead and dating Herbert Love (so that’s how she knew).  He also suspects that Rebel is dating G.O.B. thanks to finding a flower with a note from a “George Maharis” in her kitchen and a frozen dead dove in her freezer.  Lucille suggests that Michael hire Gene Parmesan just as the man himself pops up, inspiring one of Lu’s trademark screams.

At the Cinco festival, Lucille catches up with George Sr., who confesses that Oscar has been filling in for him occasionally.  In turn, Lucille demands a divorce.  She ends up in Oscar’s arms only to discover that Lucille 2 has already marked her territory.  In an emotional storm, Lucille runs into Tobias, who’s looking for a Storm. Tobias inadvertently soothes Lucille by telling her that she’s not a villain, she’s actually the Invisible Girl.  Lucille decides she’s going back to rehab to “pay Lucille 2 back for everything she’s done to her,” but has to make one quick stop first.

As the episode ends, we learn that on the night Lucille declares herself invisible, Lucille 2 has also become the Invisible Girl.  The camera cuts to a shot of the bloodied stairs on the stair car…

Things to Note:

  • We get that priceless Lucille wink just minutes in.  Hooray!
  • “Have you guys ever even read one of these things?” -Emmett in a callback to the good old “Have any of you ever even seen a chicken?” gag.
  • Lucille mentions the Gangie movies.
  • Gene Parmesan works as a fry cook at a restaurant called Chicken Dance.
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