When I originally sat down to start this post, it was about exercising. I’m going to save that post for next week because after Thanksgiving weekend, I’m in need of selfishly using this post as my own bit of therapy. When I worked at Ann Taylor Factory, I worked with a girl who was working with a personal training to lose weight for her wedding. She told me one day that her trainer told her to remember that it’s a “holi-DAY, not a holi-week or holi-month.” I’ve always remembered that. This year, however, it was more difficult to use that line as reassurance. I hated the idea of going home heavier than usual and especially was dreading being in comparison with my super hot sisters. It makes me feel incredibly self-conscious. They work hard to look like that even though they’re naturally hotties so power to them. It SHOULD be a body acceptance thing – and when I am feeling good about myself it is – but at times like these, it’s a sad, self-pity thing.
On Saturday, my sister, mom, grandma and I went shopping at the Walt Whitman Mall on Long Island to check out some deals. My mom wanted us to pick out some clothes that we’d need for Christmas presents. I went to bed with dread and woke up with dread. I already had the attitude that I didn’t want to try on any clothes. Look, I know that I’m not “fat” by any means but damnit every woman has their own standards of how their body looks and how they want it to look and know when they are satisfied and when they are more self-conscious. I don’t want any of my words in this post to be misconstrued as me thinking I’m fat when I am aware that I am not overweight by any standards in any place other than Hollywood. And I am fully aware that feeling depressed over fitting into a medium instead of a small or a small instead of an extra small or a 4 instead of a 2 (if it’s cut big lol) is 100%, completely f*cking shallow. It is. But sometimes when you have a comparison in the dressing room next to you, it’s very difficult to think clearly. I got away with only trying one dress on until we went into Express. My grandma and sister picked out some suggestions for me to try on. Some looked good, some didn’t. Then there was a really cute black dress that my sister suggested. I tried it on and…it just didn’t look right. My grandma said it looked fine, but my sister was honest and said that it made me look “hip-y.” She was right. It wasn’t so flattering on the thighs. I put it in the “no” pile and gave my mom the things I picked out as Christmas gifts and she went to pay for them. Mom, Grandma, Sister and I went to lunch before we left the mall. As we were getting ready to leave, I noticed the black dress was in there. I asked my sister, “What did you get from Express?” She reluctantly answered, “That dress.” “The one that didn’t fit me?” Pause. “Yeah.”
I did get pretty upset after that. During the car ride home, I started thinking about why I had gained weight and why I was having a hard time taking it off. Drinking? Nah, I was drinking more all summer but that’s been cut back for a while now so it can’t be it. Not exercising enough? I try to vary it up with pilates, walks, hikes, the 30 Day Shred, and swimming so that couldn’t be the main factor. “Time of the Month?” That was a possibility but I was on the second-to-last-day and it would’ve bloated my stomach and face but not actually made my thighs and butt bigger. It was probably making me whinier and more depressed over the whole thing because the more I thought about it, the more irate I was becoming. Then I realized that it was my eating habits.
I do not eat a lot of chocolate. I do not drink a lot of soda. I stopped putting so much salt on my food earlier this year. Since Jay’s started working, we do not do our weekly Chick Fil-A visit anymore either. However, my eating habits have changed. I thought with Jay not home for dinner very much anymore, I’d lose weight because we wouldn’t be eating Omaha Steaks every night or going out to eat two or three times a week. I didn’t count that I’d get so addicted to Lean Pockets of all things (I love the White Garlic Chicken ones). I also was deluding myself that having a half of a grilled cheese with bacon sandwich a few days a week (and by a “few” I mean like 4) was healthy because I was only having half and I was working out. No. No, no, no. I’ve never done well with processed foods like the Lean Pockets or Lean Cuisines or anything like that. My stomach can’t take it and it makes me want to eat more because I burn the calories off quickly even though the sodium stays with me for days. A lot of people think if they’re not eating junk food, they’re okay but that’s not true at all. It’s the quality of all the food you eat, no matter the type. And it’s all in moderation, of course.
So now, I’m going to make an active effort from now until the end of the year to cut back on all that crap and try to return to my trusty old diet food roots. It takes me a very long time to lose weight, but I’m hoping that after I get all the negative foods I’ve been eating out of my system, I can at least cut out the belly bloat and maybe feel more like myself.
P.S. Despite my Saturday shopping freak out, I had quite a lovely trip to New York for Thanksgiving and wonderful time with the fam. I had a post all set for the day after Thanksgiving but I forgot to bring the card reader to take some pictures off my camera. They’ll be coming in the next day! Happy Belated Thanksgiving to all my US friends!