Forward Motion, Part 1

[NOTE: This post got long.  Like, over 3,000 words long.  I did the page break thing towards the beginning, but I also split it into parts that will be set to go up over the next two or three days.  I haven’t decided if I’m splitting it into two or three parts yet.  My worry is that if it’s too long, no one will want to read it & then the grand finale will be overlooked.]

So.  I’ve been debating for a few days whether or not to write this post.  I used to do “personal” posts quite often back in the day, but since I have Jay to bitch and whine to, I’ve felt somewhat shy about opening up publicly about certain things.  But I know that I’m not the only person to feel down or frustrated or lost at times, so I’m going to go for it.  I’ve also been trying to talk myself into starting a project that I’ve wanted to get serious about for a full year and I think that explaining myself in full disclosure will help me motivate me (and hopefully anyone reading this who would like to be a part of this project) to get started.

To get started.  For periods of time time, I get the feeling that I can’t get started.  If you would have asked me on my 23 birthday, when I was sitting upstairs in my room, crying and feeling sorry for myself for being such a “loser” if I ever thought that I would have my personal life figured out over my professional life, then I would’ve probably asked you to pour me a vodka tonic, because the notion that I was going to be successful in any facet of my life was pretty much incomprehensible to me on February 8, 2007.  The next morning, my parents and my good friend Tricia took me to a local diner for a birthday breakfast and I still couldn’t quite master the proper amount of cheery that’s acceptable for one’s birthday.  I had graduated from Marist College 9 months earlier and was still living at home and working at my “college break” gig, the Ann Taylor Outlet store at the Tanger Outlets in Riverhead, NY.  Most of my friends from both high school and college seemed to already have things starting to “work out” for them.  They had jobs in their field of choice or were going to grad school.  A good portion of them had already or had definite plans to move into NYC.  They seemed to have forward motion while I just felt lost.  I had gone on several job interviews in the journalism and public relations fields and was having no luck finding a job.

I know that I have either spoken about or written about this period of my life before.  It was this feeling of “I can’t get started” that really led to the creation of MetroBuzz (on my end).  I needed – needed – a project, an outlet for not just my creativity, but for my sanity.  I had originally created this blog in January 2006 but it went largely unused until the summer of 2006, when I began to use it as self-therapy, a venting tool, and an overall way of documenting life.  With both the old blogspot and MetroBuzz, I felt that I had so much more to that I wanted to offer to the world that for better or for worse, I had found a way that I could do that on a small scale level, a level that gave me a bit of satisfaction during a time when I otherwise felt so lost.

Most people know what happens next, but if you don’t, here’s the brief summary: Days after my 23rd birthday, I was offered a job at an Internet radio station in NYC as the Editorial Director [though days after I started, my title was changed to P.R. Director and I didn’t know it was until I got my business cards two weeks after that.  Professional, right?  GFY CHR!].  I quickly moved into the spare apartment at my grandparents’ house [where I spent the first year and a half of my life] because it was a much quicker commute to Penn Station from there and began my “real world” life as a working gal in New York City.  From there, MetroBuzz really began to take off and we made fantastic new friends, like Paul aka Barenaked Hurley, who was kind enough to let me act as a somewhat consultant on new BNH songs for Lost season 3 (“Don’t Have Island Love” & “Charlie Man” are still my favorites!).  Paul was also a HUGE mentor to me and a large reason why I kept my sanity once I began to encounter some troubles at work.  Seriously.  I owe Paul big time for teaching me something I still repeat to myself when shit gets real or overwhelming: “This too shall pass.”

Moving forward, things began to really pick up personally.  They always do when you least expect it.  (I’m not going to recap the Jay & Colleen Original Story.  I spent a lot of time writing that last April & I could never do it justice like that again.)

Professionally, however, things have never really seemed to pick up for me.  When I made the decision to move to North Carolina, I knew that it was pretty much going to severely limit my opportunities to work in the journalism field, but for my soulmate, that wasn’t even an issue.  I don’t regret moving here, even on the days when I’m homesick for my family or lonely because 99% of my friends don’t live close by.  I got my current job after going on 15 different job interviews.  It has been a stable roller coaster, for lack of a better description.  I don’t dislike my company or my co-workers, but I’m ready to find a career.  I cannot sit around and wait for a journalism gig to open up, especially when – and as much as it makes me want to cry to admit it – I haven’t worked in the field in 4 years; I know that I am most likely passed up for any job I apply for due to either lack of experience (a “seasoned” position) or for not being fresh out of school with internships and references to boot (an entry level position).  I had to admit to myself that there is a really, really good chance that it just isn’t going to happen for me.  It was this sentiment that led me to research paralegal programs, which is how I ended up taking evening classes at Meredith College in order to get a paralegal degree.

When I applied last spring, I was looking for forward motion.  Now, with just two weeks to go in the program, I have been feeling that panicky feeling of being lost again.

This is where we stop for today.  Part 2 tomorrow.

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