emotionally challenging

I’ve been angry lately.  It’s permeated through my entire being and affected my aura.  I find my anger materializing in unexpected ways because I have no outlet for it.  I can’t be mad at God because he may retaliate at my lack of faith.  Working out or a glass of wine doesn’t help.  Instead, I am easily annoyed at home, at my own parents, and awkward at work, apologizing for stupid shit that makes me seem weak.  It’s all my emotions coming out because I can’t talk about it out loud without being short and strange.

On August 22, my coworker asked me, “How is your grandfather doing?”  For anyone catching up, my wonderful Grandpa had surgery to removed cancer back in May.  On August 22, Grandpa was doing great.  After several, several setbacks including the death of a family member, his spirit and his health were in a big upwards spiral.  He had had his 3 month check-up on August 20 and they had told him they didn’t see any reason why he wouldn’t have to come back for another 6 months.  Life was starting to fall back into place.  We exhaled.  For the first time in months, my grandma was making plans for the future.  To be able honestly to tell my coworker, “He’s doing GREAT!” was one of the best moments of the entire summer.

Then the afternoon came around.  I had a missed call from my sister.  I knew instantly that something was wrong.  It was the middle of a work day.  If the results of the tests two days earlier had been normal, my mom would have just texted me that all was well.  I just knew.  A biopsy during the first week of September confirmed it.

My grandpa once again has cancer, only in a different location.  It is in the early stages.  He started chemotherapy to treat it on Friday.  It went well and a lot quicker than any of us thought.  He goes back again on Thursday, then will take a week off next week.  I’m angry that he has to go through chemo after going through such invasive surgery 4 months ago.  I just wish that this stupid year was over already so we can move on from all of the bad news that has plagued us lately.  Two days after my grandpa received his new cancer diagnosis, his sister passed away in her sleep.  It just been an emotionally challenging year.  There’s been other things, but this isn’t the forum to talk about them.  I know it could be a lot worse.  I know we don’t have it as bad as other families.  I know that we’ll get through this.  I am grateful for all those things.  I just wish I could make it all better right now.  I wish I could get better control over my emotions.

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